Do I love my job?

I just found a mini M and M bag in my office and nearly cried tears of joy.  It's been a long day.  Someone recently asked me if I am "loving" my job.  The question made me pause and think.  Here's the truth: I like my job.  A lot. I am intellectually challenged, and I thoroughly enjoy working with my coworkers.  Yet, it just seems that "love" isn't, and can't be the proper adjective to describe my work. 

Last week I met a really nice healthy 23 year old woman for her initial prenatal visit.  She was appropriately nervous, excited, and nauseus.  This week I got her prenatal screening labs back and was shocked to find a positive initial HIV screening test.  The confirmatory test was negative, but she could still very possibly be in the acute phase of HIV (before the body has made antibodies to the virus).  A false positive results is always a possibility as well.  And then she showed up yesterday to see another provider for acute body aches and chills, and just not feeling well.  Does this newly pregnant, seemingly healthy 23 year old woman have a new case of HIV?  Maybe.

Also last week I saw a 30 year old woman with a complicated medical history, on chronic anticoagulation medication, for a "squeeze in" appointment.  Ahhh yes, the inappropriate squeeze in (but that's a topic for another entry, one I believe I've already written about!).  She complained of vaginal itching (a very appropriate squeeze in topic), but really wanted to discuss how she is 15 weeks pregnant (ack! on coumadin!) and very conflicted about the pregnancy.   She has no family, no partner (the father of her baby took off once he found out she was pregnant and left her high and dry practically on the streets), no support network, and little financial resources.  Deep down she thinks she is not fit to take care of this baby, but feels guilty that she is considering termination.

The 15 min squeeze in becomes a 40 min discussion about pregnancy and termination options.  She leaves feeling like she has made up her mind to terminate.  This morning I get a message that she has changed her mind, and needs a referral to the a high risk prenatal clinic. 

I can't help but feel heavy hearted for these two young women who have very tough roads ahead.  And in light of their struggles, it just seems impossible to say I love this job.  The truth is, sometimes it just hurts.