Proud Mama

In less than 48 hours my big bubba (aka son) turns 1.  How that happened I really can't tell you.  Well, I could start by telling you that it took 12 fast and slooooow, difficult and easy, wonderous and painful (boy this is starting to sound like a Sandra Boynton book! Opposites, anyone?) months.  But that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of this past year.  It's been a blur.  An inextricably life changing, awe-inspiring blur.

I am full of bitter sweet emotions, especially as I strap on the pumping parts during my lunch break right now, and realize these pumping days are numbered.  Breast feeding encapsulates a lot about this year: it's hard work but worth it.  It's physically, mentally and emotionally time consuming.  It's heart-breaking and heart-warming.  At times this past year I simultaneously yearned for it to be over, and never wanted it to end.  It's complicated.  Just as all aspects of parenting are, I suppose.

I didn't read that buzz-worthy Time Magazine article a few weeks ago about breast feeding.  But I read a lot of women's reactions to it.  Many women were infuriated about the article's pitting us against eachother, making everything so black and white, a continuation of the "Mommy Wars".  I never paid much mind to that term, until just a week or so ago when it hit me that my breast feeding days with the little man may soon be drawing to a close.  Suddenly I felt a wave of guilt wash over me that I wasn't going to be an extended breast feeder like the ones featured in the magazine.  I lamented to my husband, "But I may only breastfeed him for a year! What if that is not enough?"  And he replied, "Uh, that seems like a long time to me! And you did and are doing great!"

I really do not want to get into the intricacies of the Mommy Wars.  But let me just say this: parenting is hard.  Really really hard. Even when it is all going well.  Instead of focusing on what we didn't do or aren't doing, can we just appreciate what we have done and are doing?

I am, admittedly, a repeat offender as a chronic negative nancy.  But now, as my little guy's first birthday approaches, and as I am bathed in the bittersweet I choose to block out all the self-doubt and to relish in all the good (and there is so much!).  I am proud of everything my son has learned in this momentous year, of all the ways my new little family has changed, and, last but not least, I am proud of me.